ENTRIES

4.17.21

Recently, I've been having gnawing anxiety over a event that happened at school that's made me realize how selfish of a person I am. I'm a sneak and a coward and a liar. And I somehow always manage to hurt everyone around me because I have no decency to be honest with others. While this event partially had nothing to do with me I still was sent to the AP's office where it felt like every bad feeling I've been having came out as I was in violent hysterics over something I had no control over. I was honestly more terrified of getting introuble with my parents than anything knowing how emotionally abusive they can be. Knowing that this little incident while not big to the AP would surely end up in my getting berated and screamed at before getting my stuff taking away for months. This doesn't sound that bad from a outsider's point of view. It may even seem appropriate with how vague I'm wording it, but having no freedoms outside of internet access. The internet is the only way I can communicate with people outside of school, watch videos and shows that make me happy, and I rely on my devices to make digital art. So the fear of having this taken away and even looked through was scary because I had experienced it once which was deeply traumatic. Again, I sound dramatic because of how vague I am wording things but my parents are very much helicopter parents. They constantly emotionally neglect and emotionally abuse while expecting emotional and mental readiness from me at all times. There is no room for tears because if I cry or share my feelings I'm considered manipulative or performing dramatics for attention. I'm never taken seriously in my house hold or treated like my own person. So in all esscence the internet is the only way I can be the closest thing to me. I did not care that this classic teen age drama probably hurt someone i reluctantly called a friend. I just cared about myself and I'm still worried only about myself and whether or not I'm still involved in the situation and there's a possiblity my parents will recieve a phone call home. It's scary how much two people control everything in my life and plague me with questions of my own self worth and value. While I know only I can give myself value it is hard to not determine my self worth by others. It usually is in this order my self worth is determined:

Other people's views of me rule my world. Because I already have no real sense of self. So I need others to equate who I am. It's disgusting, sad, and lonely. I think the feeling I experience the most is loneliness even before COVID. It's all honestly really disgusting. The only thing I can feel right now is anxiety and disgust.

4.27.21

The stress I experience is unbearable to the point where I have thoughts of harming myself or doing something impulsive. Everything in my life leaves a sour taste in my mouth as I noticed how much I hate everyone around me. I know it's disingenous to smile and laugh around these people, but now even smile around them is a chore. I think a example of this is my parents. Do you really have to love your parents? I'm not sure. Do you love your parents because it's ingrained in you to? If so, then I don't really love my parents. I think the love for them dwindled throughout the years as they became people I severely disliked. My step mother is just a manipulator, a liar, and a house wrecker. My father is too in love with her to see past her bullshit and chooses her over his kids every day. He's also incredibly short tempered and I'd rather just not talk to any of them unless I have to.

7.28.21

It's been a while since I last updated this website. I've had a lot of things happen in my life that have caused major changes to come my way. I'm trying to cope the best I can, but I can't help the urges I get to nestle in my own toxicity. Everyday feels like the same day as I go through similar emotions which is usually; numbness, self-loathing, anger, and boredom. I really wish I could just disappear, or that I would've never been born in the first place. So many things are changing but it feels uneventful. I'm transferring to a new school and my relationship with my parents has become more estranged. I don't really talk to them and they don't really talk to me. We just live in the same house together. I don't really make a effort to talk to them any more because everytime I do it feels awkward and disingenous. They seem better off without me being there at all. My step mother especially seems to hate my mere prescence and even having dinner with them is awkward and boring. I haven't been talking to my friends either. I've been distancing myself from everyone. I'd rather just not talk at all. I'd rather just be in a bubble and die. I hate it.

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