Recently, I've been having gnawing anxiety over a event that happened at school that's made me realize how selfish of a person I am. I'm a sneak and a coward and a liar. And I somehow always manage to hurt everyone around me because I have no decency to be honest with others. While this event partially had nothing to do with me I still was sent to the AP's office where it felt like every bad feeling I've been having came out as I was in violent hysterics over something I had no control over. I was honestly more terrified of getting introuble with my parents than anything knowing how emotionally abusive they can be. Knowing that this little incident while not big to the AP would surely end up in my getting berated and screamed at before getting my stuff taking away for months. This doesn't sound that bad from a outsider's point of view. It may even seem appropriate with how vague I'm wording it, but having no freedoms outside of internet access. The internet is the only way I can communicate with people outside of school, watch videos and shows that make me happy, and I rely on my devices to make digital art. So the fear of having this taken away and even looked through was scary because I had experienced it once which was deeply traumatic. Again, I sound dramatic because of how vague I am wording things but my parents are very much helicopter parents. They constantly emotionally neglect and emotionally abuse while expecting emotional and mental readiness from me at all times. There is no room for tears because if I cry or share my feelings I'm considered manipulative or performing dramatics for attention. I'm never taken seriously in my house hold or treated like my own person. So in all esscence the internet is the only way I can be the closest thing to me. I did not care that this classic teen age drama probably hurt someone i reluctantly called a friend. I just cared about myself and I'm still worried only about myself and whether or not I'm still involved in the situation and there's a possiblity my parents will recieve a phone call home. It's scary how much two people control everything in my life and plague me with questions of my own self worth and value. While I know only I can give myself value it is hard to not determine my self worth by others. It usually is in this order my self worth is determined:
The stress I experience is unbearable to the point where I have thoughts of harming myself or doing something impulsive. Everything in my life leaves a sour taste in my mouth as I noticed how much I hate everyone around me. I know it's disingenous to smile and laugh around these people, but now even smile around them is a chore. I think a example of this is my parents. Do you really have to love your parents? I'm not sure. Do you love your parents because it's ingrained in you to? If so, then I don't really love my parents. I think the love for them dwindled throughout the years as they became people I severely disliked. My step mother is just a manipulator, a liar, and a house wrecker. My father is too in love with her to see past her bullshit and chooses her over his kids every day. He's also incredibly short tempered and I'd rather just not talk to any of them unless I have to.
It's been a while since I last updated this website. I've had a lot of things happen in my life that have caused major changes to come my way. I'm trying to cope the best I can, but I can't help the urges I get to nestle in my own toxicity. Everyday feels like the same day as I go through similar emotions which is usually; numbness, self-loathing, anger, and boredom. I really wish I could just disappear, or that I would've never been born in the first place. So many things are changing but it feels uneventful. I'm transferring to a new school and my relationship with my parents has become more estranged. I don't really talk to them and they don't really talk to me. We just live in the same house together. I don't really make a effort to talk to them any more because everytime I do it feels awkward and disingenous. They seem better off without me being there at all. My step mother especially seems to hate my mere prescence and even having dinner with them is awkward and boring. I haven't been talking to my friends either. I've been distancing myself from everyone. I'd rather just not talk at all. I'd rather just be in a bubble and die. I hate it.
I've come back on this site to revamp it and also write down the various things that have happened since my last entry. My life has been nothing but hell with traumatic events flooding my existence. My father found out my Step Mother had been cheating on him for a year and tried to kill himself which you can imagine how stressful that was. You can also imagine the fear I felt everyday thinking about the gun in our safe that he could use at any given moment. He had also threatened to kill her and I'd heard him beat her. There was also a lot of other things I heard and found out about my parents that made my disgust for them burn with rage. How could I have been born into these people? That is a question I'll never know, yet I thought maybe I was going to be saved by a angel I'd met. She was nothing special really, but her prescence shed a new light on my life that gave me a inkling of hope. But nothing good in my life ever stays for long. We had broke up a few weeks ago. The relationship wasn't that long, but I was promised something long term with her wanting to learn how to love me as I learned how to love her. I don't know what happened, but I think something in me had snapped. My breaking sanity seemed to crack enough to where I was sent in a full fledged episode a mere week later as I thought of all the horrible things that seemed to follow me. I've already been hearing voices shouting in my ear weeks prior, but they came back on this day full fledged. They were angry, agressive thoughts that didn't seem to belong to me. My world felt like it was violently spinning as I screamed and punched whatever I could. I was home alone letting whatever was building up inside me violently come out. I tore at my hair wanting everything to stop and then I saw the bottle of Tylenol on the counter. I remember dumping it out on the kitchen counter and popping handfuls after handfuls. But I don't think I wanted to die as much as I thought I did because I ended up telling my step mother who rushed me to the ER. I violently threw up all over myself having to bear the shame of being seen in public with puke drenched clothes. I then violently threw up for the next six hours from a tylenol overdosed with my toxicity levels being fatal. I'm lucky to be alive with no liver problems; with the fragility of my life being strung right before me. It didn't bring tears to my eyes until now, but the worse part of it all is that I still feel the same way I di before I tried killing myself. I thought maybe my feelings of despair, loneliness, anger, and grief would leave me. But they didn't even falter after I'd almost died and stayed in ICU for two days. Maybe I'm just too far gone, maybe even suicide won't fix my problems. That is a very lonely feeling, because not even death can comfort me. Once I had stabilized I was emitted in a Mental Hospital where I stayed for a few days. I'd met a lot of interesting people there who shed a new perspective on my life which was that I was truly fortunate. I hated my life and my parents and even myself but I was me in the end. And that's all I will ever be and for that I'm truly fortunate for. There is a tiny piece of me who wants to love myself, and I think in order to live I have to accept them and nuture them. Yet, this is incredibly hard for me to do because it means changing my whole world. But I know in order to live I have to. All in all, 2022 has sucked so far.
Why is it so hard for me to believe the words of others? Why can't I trust their words of compassion as truth rather than a decietful lie. Why do I have to think everyone is out to get me. This is so exhausting I wish my brain would work normally. I just want to dissapear where there's no people. Where there's nobody to harm or betray me. I just want to be alone. I can't bear to look at people's faces anymore it's too much. All of this is too much I just feel so drained.